Pissed OFF!!!!
Mood:  irritated
Everything has gotten better for me and Walt, for a little while anyway. It seems that when stuff gets a little bit better, something always goes worse. It's like we just can't get out of the rut that we put ourselves in. Financially that is. Walt got laid off in July, and shortly thereafter my dad kicked us out in a drunken rage. We ended up staying with my grandparents. Walt got a job at pathmark making $8.00 an hour. So I was thinking YAY now we can get on track that much quicker. Boy was I wrong. We needed to fix up Walt's car or get a new one, because honestly I don't think his car is fit for a new baby. So we write a list of things that need to be fixed. There are alot of things. But now we have 2 more things on the list. Initially we wrote that he needed tires, rims, the body needs fixing, lights in the front need to be fixed, dents need to be fixed, the car needs new roaders and breaks, a new muffler, new carpeting and seats, but NOW because of assholes, it needs a new radio, AND a new passenger side window. The radio was either stolen by this girl around here and her friends or this guy that tried to break into the neighbors house, we aren't sure who broke the window, Walt thinks it's someone he knows, I think it is a Pro-Choicer that got pissed when he/she saw that me and Walt have a Pro-Life bumper sticker thing. That person was probably bitter from having an abortion and just got angry..I don't know. That is just what I am assuming. Either way, what goes around comes around. They will eventually get theirs. It's like no matter what something is holding us back. I am really excited about getting the 4D ultrasound done tomorrow, but as always everytime I am excited about something, it somehow ALWAYS gets ruined. I was thinking that YAY I'm going to see my baby on 4D!!! But I'm dumb because nothing ever works out for me...Who knows though, maybe I can stil do the 4D. We are going to try to see if Louis can drive us with my grandmother's car hopefully she will say yet. Other then this, nothing else is going on with me...Oh, Davida called the other day, its been about 6 months since we've talked, I was so happy to hear from her, and Otim is really annoying me, he's so selfish, I think I'm done with him..anyways..bye

What's Wrong?
Mood:  blue
Topic: Me and Walt
I told Walt a few days ago that I would marry him, but only if he is sure about marriage. He told me that he was sure, and we decided we would get married. I think I am going to have to go back and change my mind. I have to tell him that I don't want to marry him. I am in love with him and I know it, I think it's the first time I have ever been in love. I don't think Walt feels the same way though. He can't be in love with me, he says he is but actions speak louder than words. He's distant to me. He doesn't hold me anymore, he barely ever touches me. It hurts, this is the exact reason why I didn't want to fall in love, and I told him that. It seems that nothing I tell him goes through to him, everything I say to him falls on deaf ears. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I won't marry him if he doesn't change. I tried to talk to him about it last night, but he wouldn't hear anything I was saying. It hurts me. I can't even explain how hurt it makes me. I just want to cut again, to ease the emotional pain. I don't want to tell him that he is causing me all this distress because I don't want him to get mad at me, or himself. I don't want to ramble on but I just don't know what else to do. I gotta get this stuff off my chest, and I can't talk to anyone about it. I tryed talking to Otim about it, but he wants me to stay with Walt just because I am pregnant. My family will be mad if I leave Walt, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to sit around and hurt, I can't take that. I think I've had enough pain in my life, more than one person can take. I am always hurt by the ones that are supposed to love me the most, and I hate it. I want to go and lay down now. Maybe I will wake up and feel better...Bye

It's HOT!!!
Mood:  chillin'
First of all I am just going to start this out today by saying it is HOT, and I am so so tired, probably because I am so close to the third trimester of my pregnancy. I have been taking naps during the day and sleeping late in the morning and I am still tired, I don't get why, unless it is my idea of the third trimester. It sucks too that I take naps in the day because my grandmother won't let us have the air conditioner on during the day. It is allowed to go on at 8PM and it has to be off before we leave the bedroom in the morning. So when I take my naps during the day I have beads of sweat dripping off of me, but I heard that's good for the body, so I guess it's bittersweet. I can't wait for the heat to stop. Normally I would love the heat but since I have been pregnant I can't stand it. Ok enough of that. Walt's at a job orientation right now, I really hope he get's the job, I can't take anymore bad luck, I was so close to giving up when Walt called me and said I might have a job, Pathmark wants me to go to an orientation on Wednesday. That's great! It pays $8.00 an hour, that will help us out alot, plus we are in debt a little bit too, so we need all we can get. I would LOVE to be able to get social security, If I got that we would be so much closer to paying off his fines, and my homeschooling. I just don't want to be in debt by the time the baby comes. Walt is at his orientation now, I have been praying all week that he will get this job. Hopefully God will answer my prayers. He usually does answer my prayers when I ask him for my baby to be ok, but the other prayers he don't usually answer, I guess because those can be worked out without him. I don't know. I think I've rambled enough for one day. LOL. BYE

NO MONEY!!!!!
Mood:  irritated
I am really getting mad about our situation. I just don't know what to do anymore. Walt cannot get a job because of felonies, and I can't get one because of my social anxiety. I have applied for a few places but I haven't gotten any call backs, it doesn't matter though because even if I did get a job I wouldn't be able to hold it for long because of the anxiety. I have an appointment for social security on August 1, hopefully I will get social security because we need some type of income. We are staying with my grandparents, we aren't paying them any kind of money because we have no money. I am afraid we are beginning to wear out our welcome. I am at my wits end. I can't take the stress much longer. We are falling behind on my home schooling, and that's bad because if I am not doing my homeschooling then I won't get my diploma. I need my diploma so that later when my anxiety is gone, I can get a job. Life is so hard. I think it's hard now, but by the time that the baby comes it is going to be so much harder. I want her to come out now so I can see her but then at the same time I want her to stay in until we get on our feet. I'm going to move on to more lighter topics. Me, Walt, and Louis went to old country buffet yesterday, and Louis and Walt got full after only eating a small amount, that really surprised me. I ate more than both of them, which is also pretty weird. Walt thinks that the old country buffet put something in the macaroni and cheese because right after we all ate that we were full. It was pretty odd. After we left the buffet, we went to Babies R Us. I love that store. There were these two really adorable outfits. They were about $20 a piece. We gotta borrow money for them. One was a little dress. It was a Phillies dress. It was pink and gray, thats why I like it. I am not a Phillies fan but the dress was so adorable just because of the colors. Pink and gray are my favorite colors when they are together. The other outfit was I think red and orange. I don't remember but it was cute. It was a little skirt, with a matching shirt and jacket. I don't want that one as much as the phillies one but I do really like it. Babies R Us doesn't really have baby clothes that are my style. They have cute baby socks, and onesies, but as far as outfits go, they are OK but I would rather shop elsewhere. Rainbow and JC Penney also have really cute baby clothes. I think me and Walt are running out of time to get stuff for the baby because I am 5 months pregnant, and babies in my family have a history of being born early, so the way I see it we have less than 5 months to get the stuff that we need for her. Well that's all for today.